I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
