the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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