Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
