I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
