What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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