Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
