Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Hippo gnu deer
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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