The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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