yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
