remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
