I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
