She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
