Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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