Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
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