Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
