ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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