over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I touched a dick in church today
ok first of all what the fuck
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
