I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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