saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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