guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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