FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
