Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
