He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
