Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
