What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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