im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I think your dad took our porno
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
