In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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