I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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