How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
it glows. i had to have it.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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