There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
