So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize