I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
