just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
