There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
