dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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