Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
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oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
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I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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