Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
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