I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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