Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
