dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
