if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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