you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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