I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
