im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
