Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
