I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
