Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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