gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
