I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
