If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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