Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
