I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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