Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
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