I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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