my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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