Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
