I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
