Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
