I hope my margaritas pass through security.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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